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Large East Side bars are fantastically easy touches. THE INTERNATIONAL SOCIETY FOR KRISHNA CONSCIOUSNESS is located at 26 Second Avenue. You can get free room and/or meals here if you are over 21 but it's worse than jail or Bellevue. If you get stoned enough and miss getting off you can also wiggle a free boat ride although you get sent back as soon as you hit the other side — but it's a free ocean cruise, even if it's in the brig. FREE CLOTHES - Try ESSO, 341 East 10th Street or Tompkins Square Community Center on Avenue B and 9th Street. The night before residents put out all kinds of stuff on the street. FREE SUBWAY RIDES — Get a dark green card and flash it quickly as you go through the exit gate.

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FUCK THE SYSTEM by George Metesky TABLE OF CONTENTS Free Food Welfare Free Clothes Free Lawyers Free Flowers Free Furniture Free Transportation Free Phone Calls Free Money Free Gas Free Land Free Buffalo Free Medical Help Emergency Numbers Free Drugs Free Security Free Birth Control Information Free Information (General) Free Rent Free Beaches Free College Free Theatre Free Movies Free Music Free Poetry Free Swimming Pools Free Pets Draft Resistance Free Cars Clap Section Cop Section Dope Tips and Bad Trips Communes FREE VEGETABLES - Hunt's Point Market, Hunt's Point Avenue and 138th Street. Just tell them you want to feed some people free and it's yours, all crated and everything. FREE MEAT AND POULTRY - The closest slaughterhouse area is in the far West Village, west of Hudson Street and south of 14th Street. If you want to be really professional, dress as a priest and go over and ask. A freezer unit will save a good deal of running around. Turning a guy on to the free idea will net you a week's supply of top quality meat. If you have eaten it there is no evidence to be used against you. Show up at the back of the place about three hours after it is scheduled to start. Tell them you're a college student and want to bring some back for your fraternity brothers. If you want the food served to you out front you naturally have to disguise yourself to look straight. They won't mind your loading up on free food because they consider you one of the crowd. Mark's Church on the Bowerie, Second Avenue at 10th Street. There is, of course, red tape involved and they don't dig longhairs. Getting on welfare can get you free rent, phone, utilities, and about $20.00 a week to live on. each day you can bum free flowers in the Flower District on Sixth Avenue between 22nd and 23rd Streets Once in a while you can find a potted tree that's been thrown out because it's slightly damaged.

There is some law that if the meat touches the ground or floor they have to give it away. FREE FRESH FISH — The Fish Market is located on Fulton Street and South Street under the East River Drive overpass. FREE COOKING LESSONS — (Plus you get to eat the meal) are sponsored by the New York Department of Markets, 137 Centre Street. Remarks such as "I'm Marvin's brother" or — learning the bride's name from the paper — "Gee, Dorothy looks marvelous" are great. Little do they realize that you are a super freeloader. Max's Kansas City at Park Avenue South and16th Street doesn't even mind it if you freeload when you are hungry and an advantage here is thatyou can wear any kind of clothes. A few yippie-diggers serve up a meal ranging from Lion Meat to Guppy Chowder to Canteloupe Salad. If you are really looking for class, pick up a copy of the New York Times and check the box in the back pages designating ocean cruises. Just walk on a few hours before sailing time and start swinging. Be prepared to tell a good story as to why you cannot work, however your looks (which they cannot make you change) might be good enough reason. There are also various food stamp and medical programs you become eligible for If you can stomach hassle, welfare is a must. M on Mondays some of the best lawyers in the city available here. FREE FURNITURE — By far the best place to get free furniture is on the street.

Vancouver 8, British Columbia, Canada, will give you the best information on setting up a community in Canada. Medicaid is a very good deal if you can qualify and can stand a little red tape. On the above medical services you have to pay but you can file the bill or send it to the National Digger Client Center in Washington, D. You can get a free smallpox vaccination here at 10: A. FREE DRUGS — In the area along Central Park West in the 70's and 80's are located many doctor's offices. If you know what you're looking for,search this area.

If you really want to live for free, get some friends together and seize a building at Columbia University. The cops come free, as do blue ribbon committees with funny long names FREE BUFFALO — In order to keep the herds at a controllable level the government will give you a real, live buffalo if you can guarantee shipping expenses and adequate grazing area. According to the new law you have to be under 21 or over 65 years of age and have a low income ($2900 or less if you are single) to qualify. NEARBY HOSPITALS — Gouverneur Clinic, 9 Gouverneur Slip, 227 3000 St. FREE SECURITY — For this trick you need some money to begin with.

Call them for an appointment before you go out there. Free every day but Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday when cost is 25c. Take IRT (Broadway line) to the Brooklyn Museum station. FREE CARS — If you want to travel a long distance the auto transportation agencies are a great deal.

They are about to establish an office on the lower East Side. Marine Museum of the Seaman's Church — 25 South Street. Chase Manhattan Bank Museum of Money — 1256 Sixth Avenue. BOTANICAL GARDENS — 1000 Washington Avenue, Brooklyn Another peaceful trip center. FREE PARK EVENTS — All kinds of events in the Parks are free Call 755-4100 for a recorded announcement of week's events. The Cuban Mission, 6 I 67th Street, will give you free copies of Granma, the Cuban newspaper, Man and Socialism in Cuba, a book by Che. Look in the Yellow Pages under Automobile Transportation and Trucking.

The best places are Third Avenue in the fifties and the Theater District off Times Square. Uptown guys with dates are the best touch especially if they are just leaving some guilt movie like "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

" The professional panhandlers don't waste their time on the Lower East Side except on weekends when the tourists come out. It can be anything from a funny dance to a five piece band or a poetry reading.

So if you know how to trip a meat truck, by all means . Lines like "Betty doesn't look pregnant" are frowned upon. Take a half empty glass of booze from an empty table and use it as a prop. Max features fried chicken wings, Swedish meatballs and ravioli. THE CATHOLIC WORKER — 181 Chrystie Street, will feed you any time but you have to prayas you do in the various Salvation Army stations. The heaviest wino scene isthe Men's Temporary Shelter on 8 East 3rd Street. They are currently looking for a free truck to help them collect the food and free souls dedicated to extending the free food concept. Champagne, caviar, lobster salad, all as free as the open sea. The main office number is Dl 4-8700 if you do not live in lower Manhattan. Once a week in every district the sanitation department makes bulk pick-ups. FREE BUS RIDES — Get on with a large denomination bill just as the bus is leaving.

A&P stores clean their vegetable bins every day at A. They always throw out cartons of very good vegetables. Also recommended is picking up food in a supermarket and eating it before you leave the store.

Most bakeries will give you day old stuff if you give them a half way decent sob story.

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